So for New Year’s you’re supposed to make resolutions. I’ve decided instead of tackling some colossal goal, I would just try to find the answers to a few questions that have been in the back of my mind for awhile….
1. How come some days I look in the mirror and see a pretty good looking Mom of four, and then the next day I look in the mirror and see a can of busted biscuits?
2. Why do sinks and garbage disposals take Christmas Day off? There are 365 days in the year and they have to pick Christmas day as their day of rest?
3. Why are squirrels such big, bird bullies? And just what are they doing with all the bottoms of the bird feeders they keep unscrewing off?
4. How come when you spill grape juice it’s always over an opened drawer?
5. How come nobody ever shows up at your house when it’s neat and tidy? They only show up when you’re 10 loads of laundry behind and there’s more food on the floor than in the pantry!
6. How come the girls hair in the diy videos comes out so cute and perfect, and I end up with a rubber band stuck in my hair and a knot that would impress a boy scout?
7. How come the cashiers at the checkout counter immediately need a price check after I’ve stood in their line for 10 minutes?
8. How come I can remember every word to a song I haven’t heard in 15 years, but I can’t remember why I walked into a room?
9. Why do I continue to hear scratching sounds coming from the attic even after the pest guy climbed up there and said he couldn’t find anything?
10. Why don’t fire alarms have a remote control? Seriously…9ft. ceilings have their disadvantages!
Ok, ok enough of the questions! Want a few tips for the New Year?
1. Do Not, I repeat, DO NOT use furniture polish on your wood floors! Not unless you want to end up on your rear in half a nanosecond flat! Pretty sure I broke the sound barrier!
2. Do NOT underestimate the power of a treadmill! I’m not kidding! My oldest thought he was super cool and tried a super speed…that ended with super skid marks all over his body! My suave little sister decided to try her hand at the treadmill too…I’ll never forget the sound of the humming motor and the thud, thud sounds as her body hit the treadmill and rebounded off the wall…well most of her rebounded! The hole she punched in the wall had a hold of her foot and wouldn’t let go! HaHaHa!!!! So ridiculously funny…I’m truly tearing up!
3. Always have access to water if you’re gonna grill on your back deck! There is a possibility of uncontrollable fire! Water hoses are great…kids with buckets of water work well also…..
4. If while standing on a chair reaching for a glass dish you think you hear the lid sliding off, you are probably right! Close your eyes! There’s a good chance that lid will hit the top of the fridge and shatter in your face!
5. If you ever plan on wearing a pair of Spanx, you better start training a few months in advance! That’s an Olympic sport right there!
And my BEST words of WISDOM for 2014….LAUGH! Life is tough. It can be ugly. But if you remember to laugh, there’s always a silver lining! Need an example? Alrighty then, here ya go….
When Chicken’s father passed away many years ago, we and his brothers families stayed the night at his Step-mom’s house. It was late, and out of the blue his Step-mom, we’ll call her “B”, realized she had told the neighbors she would feed their dog while they were out of town that weekend. So, I volunteered to go next door with her and feed the poor starving pup! So across the lawn we went, in the darkness, opened the front door and waltzed into the living room. B headed for the garage leaving me in the dark living room alone. All of a sudden I hear B from the garage say “their car is still here…oh no, I think I got the weeks mixed up”! Ok, now picture me
standing freaking out in the dark in a strangers living room (I did not know these people)… ALONE! Well, as I started whispering for B to “get in here”, at least I think I whispered it, I’m not sure as I could hear my heart pounding in my ears, the 65+ year old homeowner starts coming towards me from down the hall…..in his whitey tighties! Well, thank goodness for me, B made it back to the living room in time to greet her neighbor and I didn’t have to whip out my Irish Feet of Flames dance moves to distract him, AND he was not a ‘gun packing’ sort of man…which is rare for that part of the country! After some very heartfelt sorry’s as he struggled to hide his manhood, we headed out the door as fast as we could! I don’t think we even made it to the front steps before we started hee-hawing about what had just transpired! Amidst all the pain and grief of that point in time, the Good Lord had reminded us to LAUGH!
….End of Story…..
Here’s wishing you a very funny 2014!